


am i?

by albreteinstong



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-04-16 02:48:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14155008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albreteinstong/pseuds/albreteinstong
Summary: a collection of vent poetry, sorted to create messages. pay attention.





	1. please dont look at me twice

 

sometimes

i wish i could just disappear.

no one would have to care about me.

no one would have to worry.

 

sometimes

every day feels like a chore.

something i wish i didnt have to do

but i have no choice.

 

sometimes

i question if it's worth it.

will i get what i want in the end?

how long do i have to wait?

 

but those are silly questions.

im not going to get what i want.

i'll die waiting.

im better off invisible.

 

 ** _i wont be_** a nuisance

i wont be an interruption

i wont be someone to put effort into

i will just be there.

 

should i try it?

it might be hard at first.

and what if they try to talk to me?

perhaps i'll just talk blandly and scare them off with my dullness.

 

i bet

when i stop talking to people

when i disappear

their lives will improve.

 

i'll just try

to not try.

here i go, then.

i wonder if they will notice?


	2. i am here because of you

 

i feel empty.

i feel nothing, or i feel anxiety, or stress, or sadness.

 

i can smile;

i can laugh.

but i dont think i am happy.

 

do they make me happy?

or do they just make me smile?

i never thought

there'd be such a difference.

 

i think about suicide.

but i wont do it.

not yet.

not while i have them.

 

they are my only reason to live.

they are my motivation.

they are my everything.

i wouldnt be **_here_** without them.


	3. misplaced

i have misplaced something.

like **_when you_** cant find your toothbrush

or your glasses.

 

but the thing i have misplaced

is much more significant

and cannot be replaced.

 

where is it?

 

i thought i had seen it the other day.

i thought i had felt it

behind my smile.

 

i close my eyes and think.

i try to reflect

i try to answer the question:

what was my most recent memory of it?

 

i relive recent memories

looking for it.

at the time, i thought it was there.

 

but i soon realize

it was never there at all.

its shadow took its place

haunting me.

 

why, i wonder?

why did it leave me?

or did i leave it?

 

i shake my head.

no, i think to myself.

i couldn’t have done this to myself.

it just happens to people.

 

though i say all this, i truly believe it’s still there.

i hold on to a false version of it, that is only true when it is there: smiling and laughing.

but there is no truth to this smile, no truth to this laugh.

 

i have lost it, and i must accept my fate.

 

i shall not try to get it back.

though now it seems others are trying to for me.

 


	4. i love you but i am sad

tell me, my love, do you make me happy?

of course, you don’t really know.

 

even if i described my feelings in specific detail

you will never truly understand

my mind.

 

i want to believe

that you make me happy.

but the raincloud in my mind

is leaving me perplexed

and glum.

 

yes, i enjoy your prescence.

yes, you make me smile and laugh.

yes, you are my top priority.

yes, you are my safe place.

yes, you have made all the difference in my life.

yes, you are my reason to live.

 

but i keep finding myself wondering

if i do not find myself alone

feeling _happy_

because of something you said, did, or your existence alone

do you really make me happy?

 

my mind is corrupted, baby.

it is not your fault; nothing is your fault.

 

i am simply

struggling.

 

i have **_finally_**

broken.


	5. fake friends feels too mean of a term

 

the two sides of my brain

are rivals.

 

one is trying to save my life

the other trying to take it.

 

one gives me urges to talk to people, to rebuild ghosted friendships.

the other urges me to push them away again.

 

they are corrupting each other.

 

it hurts

when i have to be the one to text first.

 

i dont feel like i truly have 'friends.'

just people who talk to me when theyre bored

only to leave me on read

when they find something better to do.

 

but i cant complain, can i?

it's better than having no one.

 

they still hang out with me

even if i have to be the one to invite them

because i'm never their first choice.

 

they still pretend to like me.

they still pretend to care for me.

 

is it because they pity me?

is it because if they didnt pretend to be my friend, they'd feel like a bad person?

 

they wont **_look_** for me in a crowd

but they'll settle

if i am the crowd.


	6. it's only a matter of time

what will happen

when we are separated?

 

will i sit alone at lunch?

or with the same people from before

but say nothing

because they wont be there?

 

will i become completely invisible

because i will no longer have them hooked to my side?

 

will i become the sad, lonely person no one wants to talk to?

 

my friends will look out _**for**_ me, though.

i hope.

 

they'll sit next to me in class

if im the only person they know.

 

they'll pick me to work with them in a partner project

if im the only person they know.

 

they'll initiate small talk

if im the closest person.

 

i'll be the first choice

if i am the only option.

 

as long as people remember me

i will not fade away.

though i may have to stand in front of them

and wave my arms

and yell

for them to notice.

 


	7. status

i have the option

to put myself out there.

 

i have the option

to be noticed.

 

but i won't.

attention is scary.

 

even if

i could get people to like _**me**_

  

will it be worth

the anxiety, the potential consequences, the risk?

 

i don't want to.

 

some are lowkey, but are still happy.

even if they aren't known by many, they have loving friends.

 

i am lowkey.

but in a different way.

people know who i am, a fair amount of them.

but i feel i have very few loving friends.

 

i am nothing more than "that one person."

"oh, yeah, i forgot about them."

 

i wouldn't be surprised

if they talked about me.

maybe i am more known than i thought i was.

but not in a way that is particularly... fun.

 

or perhaps

i truly am "that one person."

destined to be forgotten

to be lost after a first glance.


	8. interlude: misdirected

i feel

misdirected

by my own thoughts.

 

i dont feel

like myself.


	9. hopes and wishes

should i hope?

 

should i hope for our happy ending?

or will it be in vain?

 

what are the odds, my love?

the odds of us, happy together, in a few years' time?

 

if only

i knew.

 

if only

 _ **we**_ knew.

 

should i wish?

should i wish for the best?

 

it's a silly thought.

 

my whole life

i've wished for things.

 

if they came true,

they were coincidences, things destined to happen anyway.

 

there is no magic behind a wish.

behind a coin in a fountain

behind a minute on the clock

behind a prayer.

 

it is all just what we do

in attempt to have our problems solved for us.

 

 


	10. i didnt forget about dreams

some people

have meaningful dreams

inspiring dreams

life-changing dreams

dreams that **_are_**

as opposed to dreams that were.

 

good for them.

 

but i see no purpose

in my dreams.

 

they're all just nonsense

that leave me bewildered

after i wake up.

 

follow your dreams, they say.

but what if your dreams are worthless?

 

sometimes i have nice dreams.

lovely dreams.

a sweet escape for the night

only to return to my bitter reality

with no memory of the delight

as soon as my eyes flutter open.


	11. growth

my sense of reality

lost.

my confidence

lost.

my consciousness

_**lost.** _

 

i don't know

what's going on anymore.

 

i wish i did.

that would make things easier.

 

but when was _easy_ an option?

when i was younger, carefree

where my biggest worries

were first world problems.

 

i miss the simplicity of those times.

 

i would walk around

in the bright sunlight

stepping on soft grass

with no general destination in mind.

 

now, i am blindfolded

with jagged rocks under my bare feet

and hazards surrounding me

trying to feel my way around with my hands

with a destination that is millions of miles away.

 

but i am only a teenager

aren't these years supposed to be easy

compared to what's ahead of me?

 

i'm not ready.

 


End file.
